Saturday, 3 October 2015

A State of Trance

I'm currently annoying my neighbours with loud trance music.

Mindset is huge when it comes to endurance sport. It's probably one of the most important aspects of training. It needs to be trained alongside the physical.

Lately, my mindset has been anything but positive when it's come to my training. I joke about how hard my sessions are and how I've pushed through and conquered big hill runs and fought headwinds and a bruised vagina on my bike, what I haven't covered is the negative self talk, the excuses, the countless missed sessions and the tears of failure.

So here I am, the night before a race, listening to uplifting trance music to bring me out of my own negative trance.

The truth is this is harder than I thought it would be.

I knew I would be pushing my body. I knew my fitness would be challenged. I knew it would take a lot of my time. 

What I didn't realise it that it would take so much of my time away from my family and friends. I didn't realise how much I would regret letting my FOMO win out to choose night out and a hangover over getting out with my riding group. I didn't realise it would be so expensive to eat so much and feel so shit when I didn't eat enough. I didn't realise how lonely 3 hour solo training sessions were.

I didn't realise I could stand in my own way so staunchly.

The truth always hurts

This is by far the hardest post to write. It's a pretty raw topic for me over which I've shed many a tear and fought hard to stave them off when my peers have tried to open my eyes to it.
So here is my open and honest truth about how my training has been over the last three weeks. It's been full of excuses and justifications about what food I put in my mouth and what training I choose to skip. It's been full of self doubt, and reasons of why I couldn't perform at my best that day, why I had to walk that hill or take a rest just for a few minutes. It's involved absolutely no swimming and a lot of naps. 
I've let work take priority when it didn't need to (overtime to avoid training), small niggles irritate me more than they normally would, and allowed a weather app to decide if it's a good idea to go outside.

It stops here.

New goals:

I am going to finish this process
I am going to complete every training session no matter how long it takes me
I am not going to struggle with my negative voice. It does not control me
I am going to get to every start line I've committed to
I am going to inspire ME

This post was a little solemn so here's a kitten to bring back the smiles.
He likes racing too.

Thanks Emma and Larna for your brutal honesty this week, and Scotty for your unconditional support.


  1. Beautiful & raw writing.
    All of this tells the story of your growth, NOT of any deficiency. Loads of love.

  2. Hang in there Sam - you looked great out there yesterday and the ups and downs are all part of the journey. As the terrible motivational videos say (I don't watch them I swear...!) "Its not how hard you can hit, its how hard you can get hit and get up again..." See you out there again soon. Sarah :)

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